Mythologies of Dating
Expectations Are Killer
As a so-called “child of divorce” (such a melodramatic title) as well as a guy who’s been both the cause and recipient of plenty of excruciating heartbreak, I feel a responsibility to help my loyal readers and supporters avoid my mistakes, and lead more fulfilling lives themselves. If any of my detractors happen to click on this and learn a thing or two as well, since I know they love to lurk, all the better for us all, I’d say.
Personally, I think the biggest cultural issue we face when it comes to our romantic dysfunction (not necessarily erectile, but we’ll get to that) is that we hold ourselves, and each other, to unrealistic expectations, from every angle.
Men, as it’s been harped on, by myself, and others plenty of times before, as much as we may enjoy it, we’ve collectively poisoned our minds with pornography and, whilst wielding the techno-patriarchy like a dumb horny caveman, created a paradigm for young women in which nymphomania and hypersexuality are practically heralded as badges of honor on social media platforms like Instagram and Snapchat.
I’m supposed to raise a daughter in this world???
God has a sense of humor like no other. Better to give Him those kudos on a good joke, though, trust me.
While I do personally have a degree of respect and admiration for women who’ve just said “Fuck it!” and embraced the “slut” label, like Amber Rose, who leads the controversial yet attention-grabbing Slut Walk, I can also appreciate not necessarily wanting my own daughter to participate in such activities, from a more conservative (and admittedly prideful and somewhat egotistical) angle.
At the same time, if we wanted Amish standards…well, you sure wouldn’t be reading this. There’s something to be said for the double-edged sword of modesty practices like the hijab that protect women from lecherous male gazes, while at the same time, get weaponized against the same women they’re meant to protect.
Here’s another double-edged sword: you want your wife to be good at giving head, but you also want her to have zero blowjob experience?
I’ll freely admit I don’t have a lot of “pussy-getting” experience in the casual fling sense; most of my own sexual exploration has been done in the context of long term relationships and, as mentioned before, the use of porn. A pretty major thing I was unconscious of throughout the vast majority of my time spent in relationships was how feeling conflicted about one’s use of porn can cause erectile dysfunction. Interestingly, the frequency, duration, or even type of porn doesn’t seem to have any affect — only the belief that the user’s watching porn is problematic does. Sexual shame is a mighty powerful thing.
It’s hard to discern exactly where my own difficulties in that department arose (or rather, didn’t) from. I was raised very religious, but my father’s porn addiction went well beyond the scope of anything I ever got into, so the shame got heaped on by both parents to compensate. I was prescribed a veritable medicine cabinet of different psychotropic pills throughout high school and college, some of which can cause sexual dysfunction. My experience losing my virginity was too early, harrowing, and embarrassing, which haunted me well into my first serious relationship.
On the plus side, getting to sample Cialis at 19, and my girlfriend at the time going, “Oh! It can do THAT?!” Great confidence booster.
However, that didn’t stop my dick’s inconsistency from being a recurring issue in other relationships, which, in its own recurrence, created yet another vicious cycle of sexual shame. Just a mess of fucking whirlpools.
I’ve been celibate since the end of my last relationship, so I don’t feel like it’ll be an issue, you know, if the opportunity should arise any time soon… But anyway.
Women, on the other hand, have been drip-fed decades of dreamboat romantic high hopes by Hollywood that most guys don’t have a snowball’s prayer in Hell at even halfway living up to.
However, women, for the most part, still seem to be far more understanding and sympathetic of this fantasy vs. reality paradigm.
I don’t think they actually expect Ryan Gosling behavior (or even looks — I’m a fucking ginger, for crying out loud) from any of us. At this point, the bar’s gotten so subterranean that an unprompted bouquet of flowers and an unmentioned folded load of laundry would probably score you at least a week of easy-ask blowjobs.
Don’t quote me on that, but it couldn’t hurt your chances.
So-called “pick-up artists” and disciples of Andrew Tate are shooting themselves in the feet left and right with horrifically misshapen concepts of masculinity and “Alpha” behavior — it’s sad to even tertiarily be a part of it just being a man in today’s day and age. I didn’t grow up with a great example of masculinity anywhere present in my life, so I’m certainly not volunteering myself as the new blueprint of what a man should be, but we have to do better. We can’t lose to fucking bears.
The biggest thing that both sides (or every angle, I guess?) of the gender spectrum could do better is communicate, in every arena, but especially in matters of sexuality and romance. Sexual incompatibility, dishonesty, and otherwise ineffectual communication destroyed my family growing up, and then the same things destroyed the family I was building before I even got the foundation down.
Back to the drawing board, I guess.
