How A Coin Flip Saved My Life
(Hopefully) An Inspirational & Encouraging Tale
Fair warning:
This one is emotionally intense. While I’ve discussed my struggles with this difficult subject in the past, this might be the most vulnerable I’ve gotten on Medium.
On December 3rd, 2024, I’d had enough.
Enough pain, enough regret, enough indifference, enough grudges, enough of the illusions of separation, scarcity, and constant distraction.
Enough is enough.
I want to go home, and this ain’t it.
I recorded a “goodbye” video. I prepped my belt to go around my neck. It wasn’t the first time I’ve come so close to taking my own life, though hopefully it’ll be the last.
My daughter’s mother won’t entertain the thought of our ever becoming a family — I can’t blame her; I was selfish when I should’ve been supportive, angry when I should’ve been compassionate, and inflexible when I should’ve been more curious and understanding.
In 2022, I left a fulfilling job drawing patients’ blood for a hospital and got the miserable soul-stifling call center day-job I currently have because I was becoming a father, and felt like I needed to make money faster.
“I need to get out of debt, I need to prepare for my daughter’s future!”
Before you suggest I go to therapy, a lot of that debt I’ve accumulated is from over a decade of it.
Besides that, I made poor choices in adolescence with credit cards I never should’ve had, never feeling like any of this mattered, or like I fit in anywhere.
My siblings and I no longer have any relationship to speak of.
My parents scarcely speak to each another.
Discouraged by my corroded, exploded, and overcomplicated life, of which I see no way through, or out, I thought it would be best for everyone if I finally took action, and ended it.
Before diving face-first into my self-destruction, I prayed for someone, anyone, to reach out — send me a text, give me a call, something that came from someone I actually know, not just an encouraging YouTube clip or social media ping — give me a sign that I was still wanted in this world.
Nothing came through.
I tried calling my dad and got his voicemail.
I prayed for a Bible verse that would dissuade me from going through with “it”, and opened my Bible to Isaiah 53:
“He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people. He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man’s grave. But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.”
This did not exactly strike me as encouraging in the moment.
No, I’m not claiming to be Him. I’ve certainly done wrong.
Even so, WWJD, right?
Part of my motivation to “end it” was the idea that my abrupt absence from life as I’ve known it would prompt people to take a closer look at my writings, and hopefully be a domino-tipping towards a better future for my daughter than this trajectory in which her mother and I are acrimoniously estranged, each of us independently trying to be the “better parent”.
I know all too well from my own experience growing up in a broken home that doesn’t really work — whoever wins, still loses.
Let her keep the fond memories of me that we’ve made, and eject before I ruin anything else, and grow up calling some other guy by his first name, or God forbid… “Dad”.
Well, I thought, if her mother wants us to be totally separate, what better way for me to grant her wish?
Despite all the pain, regret, and remorse, I still felt like I needed to try something else before throwing in the towel.
I grabbed a quarter and stated my intentions:
“Alright, best two out of three. Heads, I’ll keep going. New Mexico (it was a state quarter), and it’s belt-around-the-neck time.”
Flip. George Washington.
Flip. New Mexico.
Flip.
I paused.
“Is this really what I want to let decide it?” I shrugged. “Whatever will be, will be.”
I slapped it onto my hand.
George Washington.
Okay, so be it. We’ll stick it out a while longer, I guess.
My phone rang; my dad was returning my call. We talked for a good while, and he encouraged me that I made the right decision in not taking matters of my life and death into my own hands.
All the pain I feel would be spread amongst those who know me, and I would be responsible for doing so.
My dad texted me a verse:
“We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall”
— Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)
IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE:
Please, please, PLEASE do not take this as any sort of encouragement to flip a coin to see if your life is worth living.
God loves you.
I love you.
You haven’t even met everyone who will love you.
There is help available.
